South West Washington Pointman

Home Front

For the Woman in a Veteran's Life

The wives/partners/mothers/sisters who care about a Vietnam Veteran often suffer from what has been called 'The Splash effects' of PTSD. Some like to say that the Veterans 'share', but in the case of PTSD this isn't so nice.

The following responses are all to often found in

these overlooked and forgotten ones.

Pre-occupation With the Veteran

Constant tension and anxiety because she never "knows what he'll do next".
Critical or self-righteous, martyr attitude because of "what he has been through".
Continual manipulation of the Veteran and/or circumstances to "be in control' in a situation that is out of control.

Isolation

May have few friends, or be unable to relate to friends as she would like to because:

The Veteran has alienated them with his attitude in the past
The Veteran has isolated the family and/or is jealous of them relating to others.
she has alienated friends because of her constant "family hassles".
the friends and family she does have are always telling her to "get rid of him".
Constant thoughts of leaving the Veteran with very high and low points centered on the thoughts "because he needs me" or "he won't be able to survive without me".
Fear of leaving the Veteran because of what he may do to himself and the family - feelings of being trapped.

Emotional Starvation

Sexual problems, feels that she cannot be truly intimate with her Veteran
Distrust of God, "How could He let this happen to me?"
Low self-esteem
Escapes into a fantasy world - TV, thoughts of having affairs, compulsive buying sprees, etc.
May lean on children, friends, or mother too heavily for emotional support.

Depression

Sense of helplessness and hopelessness, "tired of trying"
Sets self up for disappointments.
Low self-esteem that results in poor personal appearance, dirty unkempt home, etc.

Anger and Other Related Emotions

Resentment and bitterness develop over the years, not only towards the Veteran, but others as well.
Withdrawal from Veteran and family emotionally.
Constant fear and anxiety.
May provoke or instigate fights or arguments with the Veteran, or "take it out on the kids."

Over Responsibility - The Enabler

In an attempt to keep the family stable, may take over the financial and other responsibilities as well as the "wife" and "mother" roles, leading to such traits as:
Think and feel totally responsible for others.
Perfectionism.
Feel safest when giving.
Nagging or silence.
Peace at any price.
Doing things out of a sense of duty.
Feelings of anxiety, pity, guilt and the need to "help" husband and others.
Constantly harried and pressured, time pressure.
Takes blame for husband and children for 'spot' they are in.
Feelings of anger, victimization, feeling unappreciated and used.

Guilt

Guilt for having married the Veteran, having the children, or if the Veteran leaves
Constant financial stress - never knowing how they will be able to pay mounting bills, how long he will work for, or be able to keep his job.
Feeling that "it's my fault - if I were a better wife he would be different."
Feel guilty about just about everything.
Fear of rejection.

Stress

Feels that "if one more thing happens, I'll go mad."
Over-commitment leading to constant time pressures.

Emotional Explosions or Projection

Take out frustration on the kids.
Kids may become severely withdrawn or demanding, hyperactive and agitated.
Children may have taken over responsible roles to try to balance the family.
Children may have no/less friends because of negative home. environment, leading to their loss of self-esteem. May try to find fulfillment in other worthy causes, including getting over-involved in church, children's activities, or other "worthy" organizations or projects.

Denial

Denial that she or the children have problems..."after all, in spite of the circumstances, look how well I have kept it all together."
Denial that the husband has a problem, or totally blames the Veteran for all the problems.
Denial that the Lord Jesus Christ, or anyone else can help her husband or her family. "I have tried everything I possibly can already and it doesn't work".

HomeFront offers support and understanding that you wont find anywhere else.

We can be 'there' for you because we have 'been there' too.

Here is a picture of some of the vet wives involved in Home Front. We were attending a woman's retreat at the coast. We had a great time of fellowship together over a long weekend. We came together from various parts of the pacific northwest including Portland/Vancouver metro area, eastern Oregon, the Oregon coast and even as far away as Yakima, WA.

11/19/2004

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